Fear and Lies 02/03/2009
 

Recently, on Tenth Avenue North's website, I read an entry in Mike's journal - Chapter Let it Go. I recommend that you go and read it by clicking on that link. I won't restate the entire chapter. It's worth reading for yourself. I will say that it started with this quote:

 “And avoid fear, for fear is the consequence of every lie.”
-Fydor Doystoevsky, (the Brothers Karamazof)


I've lived in fear and misery more than not. I am saved by the blood of the Lamb. I should be free already, right?  What lie am I believing that is keeping me in bondage? What will it take to kill that fear & to live in freedom; live boldly with confidence? 








 

 
 

I'm sitting here asking myself, "WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN THIS BEFORE!!"

If movies change lives, Les Misérables is one of those movies. WOW! God is good. He is in fact the author of mercy, and it is the mercy shown by Jean Valjean in this movie that blows me away. It's such a Christ-like example! I want to watch the movie again and take notes. I catch myself wanting to pattern my life by this example, but then I realize that this example should point me further. I have overlooked the story of Jesus' life. I should be blown away just as much and even more by the life that Jesus lived and the death He died. How merciful is our God! (even more merciful than Jean Valjean)

Jean was forgiven much and he lived in constant remembrance of the mercy he was shown. I want to be more like that. (Luke 7:47) I am completely inspired by Jean's actions towards Fantine, the prostitute.

"FANTINE- I'm a whore, and Cosette has no father.

JEAN -She has the Lord. He is her Father and you are His creation.
In His eyes you have never been anything but an innocent and beautiful woman."

 
Prayer 01/24/2009
 

John 4:23
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

"True worship is in spirit and in truth"

Tell you the truth, my spirit's not in it

I hate that I feel far from You today

Everything just isn't going my way

And I'm waiting to hear You say,

"It's done. I'm here. Don't fear.

All your troubles, my dear,

they won't disappear,

but I'm still here.

Don't fear.

I love you.

I'll forever hold you.

Even if you can't feel my touch.

I haven't left and I'd never do such

I know your heart and what you're going through.

You feel far apart and you don't know what to do.

I'm still here. Don't fear. All your troubles, my dear,

they will not disappear, but I am still here.


 



 
 

A couple nights ago I had one of the strangest dreams in my life, and that is saying something because I have a history of just crazy scary dreams.

Here it goes:


(I'm skipping the first part where I dreamed that I went to the bathroom...no worries, I didn't have an accident...)

After going to the bathroom, I head upstairs in this huge building where a whole bunch of people are sleeping. I go to sleep. In the night, I am awoken by a scream and a thud. I sit straight up in my bed and thought, "That can't be good. I better check it out."  Everyone who was sleeping in that giant room went downstairs and outside to see what had happened. There laying on the parking lot pavement was a teenage girl. She had jumped out of a window on the top floor. What really hurts the most is how we soon forgot her laying there lifeless. We stayed outside and were goofing off like all was fine. We even formed a circle and did the cancan, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her. I thought, "This isn't right! We should be mourning!"

( I think this was a flashback and maybe explained why she jumped out of the window.) My dream jumps to a seen where (might possibly be the same girl) this teenage girl is consulting a spiritist or psychic. Three friends of mine along with me tell this girl why she shouldn't be doing this. There are these stone figures that look a lot like Aztec or Mayan sculptures in the room. I don't know what exactly is going on, but I know enough to be aware of the demonic pressence. We try earnestly to stop her from going through with her "deal with the devil."


It's really creepy. I know. But I can't be afraid or shy away from a dream so thick with meaning; with so much beyond the surface.
The death of the girl, and our refusal to mourn: I'd say this parallels the attitude of many today. We just want to have fun. Don't bother us with sorrow. We ignore the atrocities around us for the sake of preserving our own happiness.

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

1 Corinthians 12:26
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.


I think there's more to this than I'm getting at but I'm just not sure about it all.






 





 
Who I want to be 12/25/2008
 

 
This list is quite long and I am definitely not there yet and I don't know if I'll ever be. Still, this list was and is humbling and useful for keeping me on track. So here it is.


I want to be a woman who:



praises God in all situations & loves Him with my life

strives to be better each day for Christ

helps willingly

has Christ-esteem (instead of self-esteem)

prays without ceasing

is modest

is heavenly minded

is selfless

admits her mistakes

would risk it all for Christ

depends completely on God

loves unconditionally

is pure in mind, body, and soul

knows who she is 

is not a fake

is not ashamed to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ

shares her faith

does everything wholeheartedly

is supportive

has dreams that glorify God and seeks to live them out

is optimistic

is respectable and respectful

is sincere

is compassionate

listens

earnestly seeks God's will in her life

is humble

is aware of her despicable sinful nature and is repentant

is slow to anger and frustration

is encouraging

is willing to get up and leave everything if God calls me to

doesn't give up

is understanding

is rooted in God's Word

is sensitive to the feelings and needs of others

is a godly example

redirects attention to Christ

is honest

is hardworking

is not too proud to seek help

 

**Jesus, I long to be what YOU want me to be & only for YOU.


 
 

I am nothing
And I will be
in service to You
In everything

I give up myself
my rights
my hopes
this unworthy soul

To forever
in service to
the Only One
who can take me

Take me
and make me
Make my feeble efforts
Worthy of the King

I deserve nothing
From Your hand
And I give You
Everything I am

And everything I'm not

I cannot overlook my faults
I do not yet know how
to see myself as washed
in the blood of the Lamb of God

Psalm 139
 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.


 
Til Sunset 11/24/2008
 

___Hold up my hands___Exodus 17

I let go of my inadequacy
And shut my ears
when I hear
in my head voices telling me,
"I'm not good enough.
What's wrong with me?"
I can't earn Your love
And trying is killing me.

What do I do instead of try?
I've held onto this lie,
this dead bug on my windsheild
blocking my view of hope.

Fill these empty hands with Your purpose Lord.
These fists were clenched, knuckles white.
Lift them high so I won't lose this fight.
Because you're on my side.
You're here fighting for me even yet.
Holding my hands up and steady 'til sunset.